Some Gaps Cannot Be Bridged
When you have spent years reaching for someone who will not reach back — and the freedom of finally taking your hand down.
I Reached for a Very Long Time
I met my husband when I was twenty-four, at a wedding I was not supposed to be at. And I spent a great many years after that reaching across a distance I did not create and could not close by myself.
I want to be careful how I say this. The full account is in my memoir, told honestly, and it belongs there. What I want to give you here is the thing it took me decades to accept.
Some people love you and still cannot be present to you in the way you need them to be. And you cannot fix that by trying harder.
What Reaching Looks Like
You know if this is you. Let me describe it, and see if it sounds familiar.
You have spent years trying to be the right kind of spouse, the right kind of child, the right kind of friend, so that somebody would finally just be present with you. You have learned to anticipate needs before they are spoken. You have tried to make yourself so necessary that they might think about you when you are not in the room. You have replayed conversations, adjusted your tone, changed your approach, and studied them like a subject, looking for the combination that finally opens the door.
And you are exhausted, because you have been doing the work of two people in a relationship built for two.
It is not going to work. Not because you are not trying hard enough. Not because if you just loved them a little more they would finally close the distance. Some gaps cannot be bridged from one side.
What Scripture Actually Says About This
"If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men."
— Romans 12:18 (KJV)
Read that verse slowly, because there are two enormous qualifiers in it and we usually preach right past both. If it be possible. God allows for the fact that sometimes it is not. As much as lieth in you. Your responsibility extends to the edge of your own effort and stops there.
God Himself does not hold you responsible for an outcome that requires another person's cooperation.
Even Paul Could Not Make It Work. Acts 15 shows Paul and Barnabas — two apostles, two men full of the Holy Ghost — disagreed about Mark. The contention was so sharp they parted. Scripture does not tell us who was right. It just records that two godly men could not close a gap. And later, Paul writes to Timothy: "Take Mark, and bring him with thee: for he is profitable to me for the ministry." Time and God did what effort in the moment could not.
Jesus Did Not Chase. In Mark 10, the rich young ruler comes running, and Jesus beholding him loved him. He told him the truth, and the man went away grieved. And Jesus let him go. He did not soften the terms to keep him. He loved him, He told him the truth, and He let him walk.
And in Matthew 23, He says over Jerusalem: "How often would I have gathered thy children together... and ye would not!" Even God does not override a will. So if the Lord Himself has grief over people who would not be gathered, then your grief over somebody who will not reach back is not a lack of faith. It is a grief He has felt Himself.
How to Stop Reaching Without Stopping Loving
Stop auditing yourself.
Stop reviewing your own performance looking for the flaw that explains it. Their inability is not evidence of your failure. You were imperfect, and you were also not the reason.
Grieve it honestly.
This is a real loss even though nobody died. The grief nobody brings a casserole for. Psalm 62:8 says pour out your heart before Him. Not the tidy version. The real one, including the anger in it.
Build a life that does not depend on the bridge.
That is not giving up. That is refusing to leave your one life on hold waiting for somebody else's decision. God setteth the solitary in families (Psalm 68:6). He has other people for you.
Keep the door open without standing in it.
You can love somebody, forgive somebody, wish them well, and pray for them without organizing your emotional life around whether they change. 1 Corinthians 13 says love beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things — with open hands.
A Prayer for the One Who Has Been Reaching
Father, I have been reaching across a distance I did not create and cannot close by myself, and I am tired.
Thank You that You built a limit into the command. As much as lieth in me. That is my part, and I have done it. Help me stop auditing myself for the flaw that would explain this. Their inability is not proof of my failure.
Let me grieve this honestly, including the parts that are not gentle. You are a refuge and You can hold the real version. Set me in family, Lord. Show me the people You have already placed around me that I have overlooked.
And help me love them with open hands, keeping the door unlocked without standing in it. The rest belongs to You.
In Jesus' name. Amen.
Speak These Declarations Over Your Life
Some gaps cannot be bridged from one side, and that is not my failure.
God built a limit into the command: as much as lieth in me.
Their inability is not evidence of my inadequacy.
Jesus let a man He loved walk away. I am allowed to as well.
This is a real loss, and I am allowed to grieve it.
I will not leave my one life on hold waiting for somebody else's decision.
God setteth the solitary in families, and He has people for me.
I take my hand down. The rest belongs to God.
Open Your Bible
Key Scriptures to Study:
- •Romans 12:18 — If it be possible, as much as lieth in you
- •Acts 15:36-40 — Paul and Barnabas parted; the Bible does not clean it up
- •2 Timothy 4:11 — Take Mark, for he is profitable to me
- •Mark 10:17-22 — Jesus loved him, told the truth, and let him walk away
- •Matthew 23:37 — How often would I have gathered you, and ye would not
- •Psalm 68:6 — God setteth the solitary in families
Questions for Reflection:
- Who have you been reaching for? How long have you been doing it?
- What have you tried — anticipating, adjusting, becoming necessary? What has it cost you?
- Romans 12:18 has two qualifiers. What changes when you accept that God built a limit into the command?
- Jesus let the rich young ruler walk away. Why is that so hard for a reacher to accept?
- What part of your life is on hold, waiting for somebody else to close the distance?
- What would it look like to keep the door open without standing in it?
The Full Story
The full story of that marriage, and the years of reaching, is told in the memoir "I'm Still Here" — beginning in Chapter Thirteen. Available now.
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